I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
