Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
