oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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