i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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