I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
