He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
