OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
