im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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