Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize