what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
