It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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