I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
