I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
