You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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