I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
