Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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