he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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