i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
