ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
