what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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