So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize