Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
