the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
