I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
