Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize