I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Randomize