I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
