god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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