swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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