i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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