Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
