If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
