Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize