If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
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