I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
