Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Randomize
