I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
