I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
