I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
