we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
