I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize