Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
