never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
