i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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