wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
