Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
