There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
