im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
