This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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