she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
