She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
