i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
