Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize