So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
