Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
