Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize