he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Randomize
