My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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