saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
