Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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