batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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