I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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